When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.

[ava-illumina.livejournal.com]

Characters: Cecil and Kain
Progress: Complete!
Summary: A “friendly” spar... for the most part.
Location: Troia castle
Date: January 1804
Warnings: Some violence. Kain acting slightly crazy. Angst. The usual.




Cecil's suggestion of that long overdue spar was exactly the thing Kain needed. Too much inaction would make him restless, especially now that the monster threat seemed to be eliminated and the sudden decrease in violence was hard to get used to. He was and would always be a warrior first and foremost. Besides... he needed a chance to prove to himself that he could engage in friendly combat against Cecil and not give in to darker impulses. Not that he had reason to. Why should he, here? His Dark Side had been mostly contained, fortunately enough.

After making his way to the courtyard, he leapt to a high vantage point, in order to watch and wait for Cecil's arrival. Spear out and in hand, Kain was prepared to spring to action at any moment...


Cecil donned his armor, glancing briefly at himself in the mirror on the wall. He was pale, far paler than usual. Physically he was exhausted- he had very little chance to rest today, having been on his feet all day and all week as a matter of fact, but that wasn’t about to stop him from making good on his challenge to Kain. He’d promised his longtime friend a good spar, and that was what he was going to give.

After splashing some water on his face and grabbing his sword and shield, Cecil headed down to the courtyard, walking at a brisk pace. The paladin was on his guard the moment he entered the wide open area, fully expecting Kain to be perched somewhere waiting for him. But Cecil was calm, simply walking to the center of the courtyard before he stopped. Then he waited for his friend to make the first move.


Nor was Kain exactly in the best form at the moment, either... not like it had stopped him before. He'd gotten more or less adapted to the mind-numbing weariness that the previous weeks had induced, almost as if it were a natural state to be in. He narrowed his eyes as he spotted Cecil entering the area. Kain made him wait a few seconds more so the inevitable attack caught him more off-guard. It wasn't as if he wouldn't be expecting it anyway... but even so, the element of surprise was on his side for the timing. The important thing was to draw it out, but not so long that Cecil started looking for his position.

Then, he adjusted grip on his spear, smirked a little at getting the first move this time, and took a mighty leap downward. His weapon was poised to strike Cecil as he sped straight toward him with the speed of his descent carrying him on.


No sooner than he glanced upward than he saw a flash of steel falling right towards him from above. Instinctively, Cecil leapt forward out of the way, spinning around quickly to strike at Kain as soon as he landed.


Kain's spear slashed into empty air as Cecil dashed from its path, and he had to move fast to evade the counterstrike. The sword rushed past him with a fast swooshing of air. It had only just barely missed. Actually, he had to admit that he hadn't expected such an effective attempt.

"I see you've gotten faster... you can almost keep up with me." In some other state of mind, such a taunt would be crueler, but at the moment it was meant to be taken lightly. Honing in on Cecil again, Kain closed in and swung the spear rapidly toward him.


“Thanks. You’re not so bad yourself,” Cecil countered in a tone lighter than Kain’s. Skillfully he parried each and every one of Kain’s blows, guarding with his shield when necessary, striking whenever he saw an opening. Even wearing all that armor Kain was much more agile than him, and he constantly had to remind himself not to stand still in one spot for too long. Falling back, still facing Kain, Cecil didn’t see the patch of ice behind him. Not quite there yet, but one or two more steps…


"I only said almost." But again it was in a way that a good friend of Kain's could tell wasn't as Serious Business as other tones. ...Well. Partially. Kain still wanted to prove himself the better fighter, and his desire showed in his unrelenting attack. The spear thrusted and stabbed through the air toward Cecil, in between moments where Kain had to take the defensive and block. Despite the fact that he was wearing down quicker- they both seemed to be at this rate- Kain never let up for an instant. Too much was at stake. That was just... how he treated every battle, whether it were serious or not.

Kain continued to lunge at Cecil, taking another Jump high into the air before descending upon him again.


Cecil refrained from replying to that, as he needed to concentrate solely on what he was doing. Kain had leapt into the air again. The paladin threw his gaze upward to track where his friend was going to fall, taking another step backward as he did… right onto the ice patch. Cecil’s feet nearly slid out from under him but he managed to stay upright, though that one second of distraction cost him dearly. He just barely had enough time to raise his shield before Kain was on top of him. Even doing so, Kain’s spear managed to slice his bared left arm just below the shoulder, wrenching a startled gasp from Cecil, causing him to stumble. In return, he swung his sword at Kain, hoping to drive the other backwards and away from him.


Kain was satisfied when he saw Cecil suddenly fall, and then as he managed to hit him. Finally, he had gotten somewhere. He plunged the spear downward again... or at least was just about to when Cecil's sword sliced toward him.

So his moment of triumph was quite short-lived. Kain also hadn't realized that it was the ice which had really helped Cecil along to fall. He hurriedly moved to try and block Cecil's next attack, ending up placing one foot onto that patch of ice in the process... and landing beside him with a heavy thud. He rolled to get some distance away from Cecil and so he could start staggering to his feet. Any delay could mean the end of the battle, after all.


Cecil was back on the defensive, breathing heavily now. He didn’t dare wipe away the beads of perspiration on his brow, lest he leave an opening for Kain to attack again. His left arm stung painfully, but he ignored it, keeping his focus entirely on the Dragoon. He had a few precious moments to just stand there and catch his breath, all the while smiling at his comrade.

“You’re so passionate about your fighting, Kain,” he couldn‘t help remarking to the other. “You always have been. But even more so now. Why is that?”


Kain narrowed his eyes and paused as well for a brief moment. He eyed Cecil with a critical glare, as if challenging him in staring as well as combat. "You should know why," he stated, seeing no need to elaborate too much further. He didn't want to talk about his constant feelings of guilt and failure, about it being necessary to have structure and discipline in order to avoid falling prey to that darker side...

"...because I have much to prove." After adding that, Kain sprang once more into the attack.


Cecil’s smile faded upon hearing that response. He probably should have kept his comments to himself, but… too late now. Sidestepping Kain, he blocked his attack neatly with his sword. The sharp clang of metal meeting metal was almost deafeningly loud.

“Prove? To whom?” Cecil said through gritted teeth, tightening his grip on his weapon, trying to pinion Kain’s spear between them. “To me? To Rosa? You know we’ve never blamed you for anything you did.”


"To myself. ...To everyone else." In fact, Kain agreed more closely with Edge's general opinion of him than he cared to admit. That he wasn't yet deserving, hadn't truly redeemed himself... Except that only he alone knew about how that dark side felt.

Struggling to push against Cecil, Kain shook his head. "I don't expect either of you to understand."


“But I want to understand,” Cecil countered, not letting up at all. Since this was the way the conversation was headed, he might as well see it through. “I want to help you, Kain. I know how conflicted you must feel! You don’t have to bear the burden all alone like this. If you can’t talk to me, maybe Rosa…”


Kain very nearly responded with 'I don't want you to understand me', but decided against it. He thought that his betrayal of the group was proof enough that keeping at a safe distance was wise. He would remain a threat to them all, perhaps forever at this rate.

"I took that burden upon myself the day I raised my spear to you as an enemy!" Kain picked up his energy and shifted position, again meeting Cecil's sword with a powerful clash. "I would never ask you to bear such a thing... not you or Rosa..." His two best friends were the ones he least wanted to draw into his problems, ironically. But he just didn't want to hurt them any further than he had. Couldn't they see that? That he did this for their own good? It always had been for them... everything had.


Cecil shook his head wildly, backing away to put some distance between them. “You deserve to be happy, Kain. Whether you believe it or not,” he said quietly, never taking his eyes off of the other.


Again, Kain disagreed, but how could he make Cecil see any differently? They were both determined to keep their own opinions on the matter, that much had always been clear. It was frustrating that he had to be around Cecil and the others, before he'd accomplished what he'd set out to do... the rest of them had been able to move on, and yet he still couldn't.

"Easy for you to say... but that's the difference between us. You deserve it. I don't. You also have all that you deserve and..." And Kain had a strong conviction that he never would. He kept on Cecil as he said all of this, continuing to seek an opening which might gain him an upper hand. "...and that's how it is." Cecil hadn't betrayed anyone, after all.


Every part of Cecil’s body screamed for rest. His mind railed at him to just relent and let Kain win this duel. But he could be just as obstinate as his honor-bound friend. He was the one who issued the challenge in the first place, he wasn‘t about to lay down now. He didn’t put his pride up on a pedestal like Kain did, but he didn’t toss it carelessly aside either. And besides, Rosa and Rydia weren’t here to pry them apart from each other. Cecil still kept on doggedly, despite the strain in his muscles, which was getting to be near excruciating by now. Rosa… Her face flashed in his mind.

“Kain, I...”

He didn’t know what possessed him to do this. In the middle of a heated battle, no less. Maybe it was because he’d been wanting to tell Kain the news from the very moment he saw his friend earlier, but was too afraid to. More than recklessness, he just wasn’t thinking straight obviously. But the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“...I asked Rosa to marry me. She said yes.”


Those words wounded Kain far worse than any sword ever could. He froze for a moment, not bothering to block any incoming attack Cecil may have been in the middle of. All he could hear was those words... and it all came rushing back to him. Rosa and Cecil becoming gradually closer over the years... Rosa and Cecil standing close together, whispering... then holding hands... and kissing... All of that time spent denying his own resentment, pushing it deep down inside where it seethed and ate away at him. All in the name of making them happy. It was the Right Thing to do. So he had to wonder why it always made him feel so terrible.

He wasn't over her. And for as long as it remained that way, Kain would never be happy. Not even redemption would be enough when he couldn't have Rosa for himself. The feeling brought him a lot of guilt and shame. To crave his best friend's wife... or practically a wife...

The Dark Side stirred and suddenly Kain sprang into a fiercer, more determined attack than ever. It was as if all of his fatigue from before was gone. This rage he felt was an old one... and dangerous.

"Congratulations." The word was spoken more like a threat. Kain swung the spear like a madman.


What had he been expecting? For Kain to run over and embrace him and gush over the news the way Rydia had? Certainly not, and he knew why, without a shadow of a doubt. But even so Cecil was not prepared to handle Kain’s aggressive reaction to his words. This suddenly, unsettlingly, felt too much like that time they dueled in Fabul’s crystal room. As if on cue it started pouring rain down upon them, soaking the pair of knights in a matter of seconds. Cecil lowered his sword, looking to Kain imploringly now.

“Kain... listen to me.”

Darting backwards to avoid getting skewered, Cecil spoke his friends name again, in a gentler tone.


For a little longer, Kain continued to bear down on him in a blind rage. He Jumped, taking a reckless leap into the pouring rain. And then descended, with another attempt to impale Cecil. Despite the ferocity of his attacks, Kain was becoming less focused and precise than normal, his feelings powering him more than his thoughts.

"...Why should I?" Kain didn't seem interested in what Cecil had to say. But he did pause, the spear leveled and ready to run him through if he didn't like what he heard.


Kain’s spear missed him by a scant inch as he moved to avoid it once more. Struggling to be heard over the howling wind, Cecil replied loudly, simply, “Because I‘m your friend.”


Kain moved the spear toward Cecil, to lightly poke it against his chest. It'd take a very powerful thrust to shove it through armor and straight through him... but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He glared at Cecil as if he were an enemy. As if they were back in that chamber, when he was prepared to kill him. Yet even then he'd been too weak-willed to go through with it, mainly because he'd been stopped by...

...by Rosa...

A few tense moments went by in which the only sound was the pattering of the rain. Then, gradually, Kain's expression lightened. This was madness! To fall into that dark self and the ultimate betrayal... he couldn't do it... and yet he'd just come far too close to that. He turned away from Cecil and looked down, tone repentant and sorrowful. "Then as a friend, I'll spare you."


Cecil didn’t move at all, even when the spear was pressed to his chest. The seconds that passed felt like minutes, which felt like hours as they stood there in the heavy rain staring at one another. Then as Kain withdrew his weapon and turned away from him, Cecil hadn’t even been aware that he’d been holding his breath this entire time. And he was trembling all over. Through all of this, he kept his gaze leveled on Kain, the expression on his face now echoing Kain’s tone. He couldn’t hide his emotions, not here, not now, and especially not in front of his childhood friend. It wasn’t like he ever could.

“I never meant to make you feel this way,” he whispered. Whether Kain heard it or not, he wasn’t sure. But he had to say it anyway. “Please believe me, Kain.”


After he said that, the dragoon stood perfectly still, no longer noticing the rain. Kain really didn't want to be discussing this, and with Cecil least of all. He didn't want him to know the depth of feeling he held for Rosa, for one thing. Or how much one side of him loathed Cecil for simply being himself. The guilt over those feelings was so overwhelming that he could barely stand it... Because there was still that part of Kain who longed to be a good friend, who respected Cecil more than anyone.

"You've done nothing. The fault is still mine." Kain started to walk away, rather slowly, fighting back his emotions as he did.


Cecil stood there and watched him go, torn between wanting to run after him or just letting him be. In the end the latter won out, and he simply watched Kain walk away. Lightbringer slipped from his hand and fell to the ground with a loud ‘clang’ which echoed in the empty courtyard. Cecil glanced down at it without a word, but made no movement to pick it up.


Kain continued walking, and didn't once look back. He kept his pace steady as he went along. He held tight to his spear and resisted the impulse to turn around and finish what he'd started. But he wouldn't give in for now... as much as the thought still tempted him. Instead, he simply continued onward until he was well out of sight. He needed to spend a long time alone after this.